The Downsides of Being a Stay Home Girlfriend

By Clara Frank 

Recently, there has been a harmful trend arising among young women on TikTok: stay at home girlfriends. I want to make it abundantly clear that I am not grouping stay at home moms into this category. At first glance, the videos of the women cooking and cleaning make one feel nostalgic about the way things were in the 50s. However, upon further investigation, this could be harmful for young women to aspire to.

The videos usually start with the women waking up and making breakfast for their boyfriend. Then, the man goes to work leaving the woman at home to keep the house clean and do what she pleases. This life seems idealistic to some women due to the fact that all they have to do is keep a clean home and cook in exchange for spending money and a life with their partner. The activities that the women participate in usually revolve around fixing their appearance with skincare, going to the gym, doing makeup, and even plastic surgery. These are all activities that many women enjoy. There are many activities and ways for these women to be fulfilled with their life. These are just the main moments that make it on camera, there are always unknowns when social media is involved. 

While this life sounds fun and carefree, there are risks associated with doing this. Not being financially independent has many risks because you have no safety net to catch yourself with. Stay at home girlfriends do not have the financial security or legal security that married women have. If the boyfriend of one of these women decides that they want to break up with them, that leaves the woman with none of their own money, no home, and no job. This woman now has almost nothing to support herself with. In a worst case scenario a woman could end up unemployed and homeless because she didn’t have her own finances.

There is also an aspect of abuse that can occur when one person is completely dependent on another person. The boyfriend in these situations virtually has control over almost all of the aspects of the girlfriend's life. This kind of power can cause manipulation which can trap these women in unsafe scenarios. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women have experienced some form of physical abuse by their partner. This statistic includes all types of partners, not just boyfriends. The National Domestic Violence Hotline also reports that almost half of all women have experienced psychological aggression from their partner. It is safe to assume that these instances could occur in the stay-at-home girlfriend dynamic as well. Financial abuse is just as dangerous as other kinds of abuse. The National Network to End Domestic Violence identifies tactics of financial abuse as, “abusers commonly use violence or threats of violence and intimidation to keep the victim from working or having access to the family funds.”

Many news outlets have recently written opinion articles about stay-at-home girlfriends trend.  The Wall Street Journal has written an article about the trend titled, “Why Young Women are Aspiring to be Stay-at-Home Girlfriends.” The New York Times also wrote an article about the topic titled, “The ‘Stay-at-Home Girlfriend Trend is Bad for Women.” Both of these articles highlight the financial pitfalls of being reliant on one person. 

I simply worry that there will be a rise in the desire for society to have women back in the home. During most of the world's history women have been the homemakers, and within the last 75 years there has been a large step back from that. Women have entered the workplace at a drastic increase from 150 years ago. This is one of the first times we have seen women push back into a domestic role. In an article written by PBS the author writes about the role of women in the 1950’s, saying, “a common stereotype was that women went to college to get a "Mrs." (pronounced M.R.S.) degree, meaning a husband. Although women had other aspirations in life, the dominant theme promoted in the culture and media at the time was that a husband was far more important for a young woman than a college degree.” This quote displays how women in the 50s were more focused on securing a husband than receiving an education, which can be paralleled to stay-at-home girlfriends today. 

The Feminine Mystique written by Betty Friedan in 1963 focuses on the stay-at-home women of the time. Britanica explains, “she coined the term feminine mystique to describe the societal assumption that women could find fulfillment through housework, marriage, sexual passivity, and child rearing alone. Further, prevailing attitudes held that “truly feminine” women had no desire for higher education, careers, or a political voice; rather, they found complete fulfillment in the domestic sphere. Friedan, however, noted that many housewives were unsatisfied with their lives but had difficulty articulating their feelings. Friedan deemed that unhappiness and inability to live up to the feminine mystique the “problem that has no name.” This is a very similar situation to the stay at home girlfriend trend, but  this book was written over 50 years ago. It is interesting that this same issue is arising again so many years later. 

While this has been a common life in the past, I find it important to stress that being a stay at home girlfriend has risks. In no way am I trying to put down women or their choices. I am simply reminding young women that they have the choice to invest in themselves. I also want to say that not all people can be stereotyped under one term and that every situation is different. I think it is important to bring this to attention to young women who are about to embark on their lives so that they can see the truth of what certain lifestyles bring. Being a stay-at-home girlfriend poses many risks to women including financial insecurity, manipulation, and even abuse.